Business English Lesson 2: The Hard Sell

Lesson 2 - THE HARD SELL

Level: Upper-Int to Advanced

Wake up and smell the coffee you fucking bum! Yes, I´m talking to you. You´ve been studying English since school and you still can´t speak enough of it to make some fucking money? What do you think this is? Kindergarten? Now, don´t start bitching to me, ´oh but I don´t feel confident enough to turn my English skills into profit´. That doesn´t wash with me pal. I only want students who are going to sell, sell, sell. Starting now. Because now is the time and time is money and to paraphrase Scarface the world is a big chocolate just waiting to be eaten and if not by you then by your competitors who have no mercy.

Real life success story, and this is true, my Turkish student Mehmet Mehmet, started studying English 2 weeks ago, he´s already sold 3 fezes and an abacus on e-bay. He isn´t in a fucking coma, waiting for a windfall, he´s out there selling. 

Real life success story 2, my former Korean student Minji Kim spent 3 months in my class of 2006, during that time her English improved by a profit margin of 60% after tax. She is now a multi-million dollar international conglomerate, importing pork belly, exporting panda pop. I faxed her about this lesson last week and asked her if she´d interrupt her busy schedule to give some advice to my new students, you know what she said? ´Fuck you!´ is what she said. That´s how much she thinks of you. You´re not worth more than 2 words and one of them is fuck. As in I don´t give a fuck unless you sell.

´But I don´t have anything to sell?´ you gibber. We´re living in a material world, you bums. Look around you, what do you see? You see a big tree, you see a plastic bag in its branches, you see a squirrel chasing its own tail. Fuck you. Is that what you see? Then get the fuck out of my office ´cos you´re fucking fired. I´ll tell you what I see. I see commodities. I see hard cash. I see raw materials waiting to be exploited. I see wood, plastic, Chinese food – I see their net dollar worth. The only thing I can see not worth anything right now is you. So get mad, get out there and close some deals.

Real life success story 3… possibly you?!

Glossary:

Bum – vagabundo

Bitching - reclamando

Kindergarten – jardim de infancia

Profit – lucro

To not wash with someone – inacetavel

Mercy - misericordia

Competitor - concorrente

Fez – tipo de chapeu ottoman

Abacus - ábaco

Windfall – herança inesperada

Pork Belly – barriga de porco

Panda Pop - refri

Schedule – horário

Raw Materials –  materias primas

Exploit - explorar

Net worth – patrimonio liquido

To close a deal – fechar um negocio

TASK A: VIDEO ´GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS´

You´re going to watch a classic scene from David Mamet´s Glengarry Glen Ross, a film about real estate salesmen, but before you do let´s look at some of the new vocabulary you will need.

1) Match the words in columns A and B:

         A                                                    B                                                              

To shine                                                line

To be man                                            shoes                   

A tough                                                 the bricks    

Hit                                                         balls 

Brass                                                     enough 

Dotted                                                   racket

2) Complete these sentences with the phrases above:

1. His boss told him to ______________ because he was a terrible loser.
2. Always check the small print before you sign on the _____________
3. He wasn´t ______________ for her so she started screwing around.
4. Working in real estate is _______________ , it´s really hard work.
5. You need ____________ to be a stunt man.
6. Everyday I use polish _______ my _______

Answers and translations at the bottom of this page!

3) Background: Glengarry Glen Ross(1992) was originally a play written by David Mamet and stars Al Pacino and Kevin Spacey. In this scene, Alec Baldwin has been sent by the bosses of the real estate agency to give a motivational speech to their salesmen who are underperforming. They have been given leads which in marketing terms mean potential buyers for property.

Watch the scene and answer the following questions: ANSWERS on the ANSWER PAGE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI

1. What is the law of the land?
2. The coffee is only for who?
3. Where has Alec Baldwin come from and who sent him?
4. What´s the good news and the bad news?
5. What are the three prizes in the sales contest?
6. Lavine complains that the leads are what?
7. What is Alec Baldwin´s character´s name?
8. How long has he been selling real estate?
9. How much did he make last year?
10. What car does he drive and how much did it cost?
11. What is the one thing that counts in this life?
12. What does it take to sell real estate?
13. What does ABC stand for?
14. What does AIDA stand for?
15. What is printed on pink paper and tied together with a gold bow?
16. What did Alec Baldwin suggest would be a better favour to his employers?

TASK B:  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION - (PAIRWORK or WRITING)

So you losers, you have a week to regain your jobs. You have your leads and now you have to close. You will be given 2 property fact sheets to sell to your leads. Both properties are practically unsellable so you have to use your cunning to translate the negative aspects of the location into positive aspects.

For instance, this morning I sold the following property. My fact sheet had the following information:

EXAMPLE: FACT SHEET  

Property:             The Titty Twister

Location:             In the middle of nowhere, Mexico

Description:         A termite-infested brothel/ strip-club in the middle of nowhere. The entrance has a giant neon pair of breasts over the door and at night you can see bats flitting from nipple to nipple. Inside the bar area is labyrinthine and dimly lit with some furnishings dating back to an Aztecian demon worshipping cult but mostly furniture of the cheap gaudy variety, including tables covered in obscene graffiti, a broken blood red juke box and a chandelier made of human skulls. There are 50 hanky-panky rooms upstairs, the standard model being 4 by 6 metres, with one broken sweat-stained mattress and bed sheets that glisten with snail trails, a shit-blocked bidet and air-conditioning provided by the bullet holes in the walls. There is a dungeon in the basement. The back door opens out onto a canyon filled with refuse and scrap metal.

Previous Owners:  A brood of vampires who used the brothel as a front for their bloodletting, luring in unsuspecting truckers with the promise of white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy and  yellow pussy. These claims were well-founded, they had a wide selection of pussy, except they were all vampires too.

Neighbours:            The infamous drug cartel Los Palomos Del Diabolo will quite often pop by to execute and bury informers, rivals and DEA agents in the desert. Vultures, Scorpions and Bats are abundant.

Local Amenities:     There are several cacti in a 50km radius from the location, from which water may be drawn.

In the ´sit´(meeting) what I told my customer was:

EXAMPLE: THE SALES PITCH :

``All train compartments smell vaguely of shit, but after a while you get used to it. When you die, you´re going to regret all the things you didn´t do. Did you ever take a dump that made you feel like you´ve just slept for 12 hours? The great fucks you´ve ever had, what do you remember about them? I don´t know but for me, it´s probably not the orgasm. I remember things like the girl bringing me breakfast in bread afterwards, a warm croissant, butter in those little foil wrappers. My balls felt like concrete. What am I saying? I´m saying our life is looking forward or it´s looking back. That´s why I´m offering you the opportunity to look forward, the chance to one day look back and say I shot my load and what´s more I remember the breakfast.

This property that I have for you is that opportunity. A place with a strong sense of character and history. It used to be a successful and cosmopolitan bar and now it´s got the potential to be  the biggest and best hotel for 50s of kilometers. It´s somewhere you can raise a family or write that first novel. There´s acres of space. You like nature? There´s rare birds to be seen and exotic plant life. Nature not your thing? You only have  to adjust your binoculars by a degree and there´s not a speck of life to be seen.

I can tell you´re a man´s man. You have a tool belt, right? What man hasn´t, right? This property is a real fixer-upper, I mean you can spend a life time fixing this place up and there´ll still be things to fix, for you and for your children and for your children´s children. And that´s what I´m offering here. The future. Just sign here.``

As soon as I closed the deal with that sucker I bought myself a brand new Ferrari.

NOW, IT´S YOUR TURN: 

(If you´re working in pairs, take turns being the salesman and the customer. Alternatively this can be done as a written exercise.) 

FACT SHEET 1: 

Property: The Old Witch´s  House

Location: Built on an Indian burial ground in an ancient dark and haunted forest, Pennsylvania, USA

Description: Deep within the woods of Strangleton, Pennsylvannia, situated in close proximity to one of the seven gates to hell, is this gloomy and evil ranch. Over a hundred years old and in complete disrepair, the only thing holding together its rotting structure is a malevolent supernatural force. Inside, this force becomes oppressively worse, owing much to the macabre decor: bones strewn across the floor, sooty hand prints on the walls. Not a bird or a mouse stirs in the forest outside, but the house is never quiet, it´s pipes groan and leak blood, it´s doors open and slam unprompted and something whispers under the heavily shackled trap door.

Previous Owners: The Blair Witch lived here a century ago, snatching the local children and boiling them in soup, until she was captured and executed by a mob of angry peasants. Her spirit lives on, however. Quite literally. 

Neighbours: In nearby Strangleton, the local rednecks have been driven mad by terror. They are a devoutly religious bunch and detest outsiders. Apart from church meetings and KKK rallies they rarely leave their homes save for the annual lottery in which a villager is chosen to be sacrificed to the old gods. There´s the odd wolf that wanders through the woods but you´ll want to stay away from those. 

Local Amenities: Stangleton convenience store offers a wide variety of tinned fruit, vegetables, meat and milk. There are 2 competing family-owned gunstores within shooting distance of each other. 

FACT SHEET 2: 

Property: Apartment 127, The People´s Tower Block 7 

Location: Chernobyl, Ukraine

Description: This charming little penthouse flat comes with all mod cons, including the latest technologies: the telephone, the radio and the microwave. The wallpaper is an ultra-modern and stylish shade of orange, and the previous tenants have left all their picture frames, furniture and belongings for you to enjoy. There´s still food in the fridge and money on the electric meter. Maybe you´d like to entertain a guest? There´s room for one or maybe more in here. You can see a spectacular view of the city´s park and the party headquarters out the window. 

Previous Owners: The previous owners were a quiet and obedient couple of elderly party members, who left the flat in impeccable condition. 

Neighbours: There is a family of 3-eyed mule people living in the block´s car park. They´re a friendly bunch and will often play the banjo for a tin of spam or a jar of clean air. In the city center, people are rougher and more ill, so be advised. Scavengers come up from the sewers to steal whatever they can lay their tentacles on. 

Local Amenities: A vast almost empty metropolis is your playground here. A seafood restaurant sells the prodigiously enormous catch of the day from the local pond. A geiger counter and a pair of lead trousers and you can explore the local park and it´s excitingly new flora and fauna. 

Answers to TASK A 1 and 2: 

1. shine  shoes, be man enough, tough racket, hit the bricks, brass balls, dotted line. 

2. 

1. His boss told him to hit the bricks because he was a terrible loser.
2. Always check the small print before you sign on the dotted line
3. He wasn´t man enough for her so she started screwing around.
4. Working in real estate is a tough racket, it´s really hard work.
5. You need brass balls to be a stunt man.
6. Everyday I use polish to shine my shoes