Collections

COLLECTIONS:

Level - Intermediate and above

NOTES ON COLLECTING:

real life naval fluff

Anything can be collected from bones to seashells to belly button fluff to memories. Collecting is a fundamental part of our development as human beings. Our primordial ancestors collected dna chromosomes to become us. Churches and kings collected our wealth. Science is the concerted effort by several superior collectors in many different fields to explain away the mysteries of the universe. And in our day to day lives, we have bin men who collect the rubbish.

look on my collection ye mighty
and despair

There´s something weird about collectors. The money they could be spending on going to the pub, having a nice meal or donating to charity, is spent on amassing a huge quantity of stuff that is of no interest and limited access to anyone but themselves. It´s as if a mummified pharaoh were entombing himself with all his treasures, hoping to carry it with him to the afterlife. Perhaps all collectors secretly dream of their own wing, nay their own museum in some future civilisation. 

What drives people to collect? Is it the ´metaphysical angst´ described by novelist Jose Saramago, in which the individual ´cannot bear the idea of chaos being the one ruler of the universe´ and thus uses their limited powers to ´impose order on the world´ for a brief time. Or could it be that blue rays and comics are cool?

Dennis Hopper ponders potted plant

Some collectors are obsessed with the unique, rare and original. Art collectors will outbid each other by millions of pounds to own a famous painting, or a non-famous painting by a famous artist. The actor Dennis Hopper was a collector of modern art. His house was full of expensive paintings. I´m sure there are many of his fans who collect Dennis Hopper memorabilia and so bring balance to the universe. 

Collecting is an intrinsically selfish hobby but the collecting world provides social opportunities with comic-cons and swap meets. Sometimes a collection becomes a third-party in intimate relationships. It´s a case of ´Love me, Love my Collection´. Okay, you might say, if it´s just records or happy meal toys, but would you put up with someone who collected rare flesh-eating diseases and kept them in the fridge? A collection can easily become a bone of contention when two people don´t share the same appreciation of what´s collected (see Assignment).

Neruda´s love nest, book shelf
includes How to Pick Up Women

In Santiago Chile, you can visit Pablo Neruda´s house. The national Poet was also a collector. He liked to collect different coloured glasses from which to drink his wine, as well as books, paintings, maps and, of course, shells. He also collected erotic experiences and put them in his poems.

before and after crystal meth

In London, opposite Euston station, is a great little museum called The Wellcome Collection. The permanent exhibition Medicine Man has artifacts from around the world showing the historical development of medicine in different cultures. You can see weird sex toys from Shogun Japan, Napoleon´s toothbrush, torture chairs or dentist chairs and some old illustrations of consumptive diseases as shown. They were collected by the Victorian Sir Henry Solomon Wellcome.

We don´t stock Bieber

Nick Hornby writes about his passion for collecting records in the book Hi-Fidelity. This was adapted into a film starring Jack Black and John Cusack. Another good book on obsessive collectors is the non-fiction The Orchid Thief by Susan Orleans about the eccentric world of orchid collecting. That was also adapted into the not-quite-true-to-the-book ´Adaptation´ starring Nicholas Cage.  Both films are in my friend Alex´s awesome blue ray collection of over 300 blue rays. But no he hasn´t contacted the Guiness Book of Records yet. 

GLOSSARY:

Belly button fluff – sujeira em seu umbigo

Sea shells - conchas do mar

Bin men – coletores de lixo

To amass - acumular

To entomb - enterrar

To impose - impor
Outbid - ultrapassar

Comic Con – Con is short for convention/ convenção ou reunião

Swap meets – reuniões de troca

Third-party – terceiro

Bone of contention – ponto do conflito

Artifacts - artefatos

ASSIGNMENT:

TASK A) DINER – Don´t Touch My Records

Available on Blue Ray

 Diner is a 1982 film set in the late fifties about a group of friends becoming adults. Watch this scene from the movie and answer the following questions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXjCtgiUEu8 See ANSWERS link at the top of the blog.

Questions:

1. What is Beth doing when Schrevie comes in? What does she say she´s doing?
2. What is Schrevie´s procedure for organizing records?
3. Where shouldn´t James Brown and Charlie Parker be? Where should they be?
4. What instrument does Charlie Parker play?
5. What does Schrevie never do with his friends?
6. What is the opposite of the hit side?
7. Why are records important to Schrevie?
8. Why is 1955 and ´Ain´t that a shame´ important?
9. At the beginning of the scene, what did Beth intentionally do?

TASK B) WRITING - MY COLLECTION

Have you ever collected anything? Do you know someone who is a collector?

 Write a short essay about a collection you or someone else has/had, answering the following questions:

preparing for the witches of Oz or the aliens
from Signs? world´s biggest collection
of super soaker water pistols! if only all weapons
were water pistols! think of it the world´s
biggest wet tshirt contest...

What do you collect? When did you start collecting? Why did you start collecting? How long have you been collecting for? What is your most prized possession and why? Is there anything you´d like to get for your collection but haven´t yet? What do your family and friends think about your collection?

If you want to invent a collection you can! Why not be a collector of poisonous snakes or moon rock or even old finger nails or pubes?

Below you can read about a collection I had...

MY COLLECTION: MARVEL COMICS

I still remember the smell of my first Marvel Comic. It was an issue of the Guardians of the Galaxy and I rubbed it all over my face.  I had already been interested in comics for a while but the comics I used to read were usually about naughty school kids and their dogs getting into trouble, the Guardians were different. They were adults doing serious adult things, like defending the galaxy and fighting. The guys were muscular and the women wore revealing spandex costumes that showed off their curves. This was crack cocaine for 9year olds and I was hooked.

My first ever Marvel

I´d bought the comic because I´d heard two of my friends talking about Marvel. I felt a little left out and so when I got home from school I rooted around the house, looking for my mum´s cheque book so I could write a cheque for 75p. I never told my friends I´d begun collecting Marvel Comics, in fact it was a secret from everyone but my own family. Once I fell in love with Marvel Comics I didn´t want anyone else to share in them. They were mine, all mine.

I collected Marvel Comics for about 5 years. I mainly bought Spiderman and Ghost Rider, but any title with the big block M in the top left corner was a welcome addition to my collection as was any paraphernalia: toys, keyrings, badges, etc. Comics from other rival houses were also accepted, unless they were DC comics like Batman. Never DC.

Prized Possession!

 My most prized items in my collection were probably an issue of Spectacular Spiderman where Harry  Osborne aka the Second Green Goblin dies saving his old best friend/enemy Peter Parker, and a Spiderman hologram I received from Marvel Uk for a letter I wrote them.

I´d like to say I stopped collecting comics because I started dating girls. But no. My interest in being forever Marvel began to fizzle out once I started collecting videos. I basically took all that passion, possessiveness and pedantry and focused it on another thing.  To this day, I still collect comics, though not Marvel ones, and usually only in graphic novel form. Ironically, the graphic novels I like are usually by DC, who have great writers like Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman who write adult stories.

Alan Moore writes Swamp Thing

I believe that once a collector, always a collector. My collecting nowadays verges on hoarding. i.e. not throwing anything away. Rather, I´d say I´m a selective hoarder because I throw 99 per cent away, but keep all the remaining 1 per cents. I collect things that say more about my memories and experiences, things which are symbolic of my interests rather than being comprehensive for comprehensive´s sake. I think the Internet has changed the way we collect too, with a huge amount of rare comics, films and music instantly accessible by anyone at anytime. My record collection is now mainly in cd wallets, and over 60 per cent downloaded. I don´t have the money to buy originals, I can´t afford blue rays or vinyl, so I have to make up for this with the originality of my collection.

GLOSSARY:

Naughty - desobediente

Get into trouble – entrar em apuros

Revealing – roupas reveladoras

Hooked - viciado

Left out  - excluídos

Rooted – buscou

Pedantry - pedantice

To fizzle out - fracassar

To Hoard - acumular
To make up for - compensar

LIMERICKS

LIMERICKS

LEVEL: INTERMEDIATE 

There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, 'If you choose to suppose, That my nose is too long, You are certainly wrong!' That remarkable Man with a nose.

(by Edward Lear)

This my dear friend is a LIMERICK. A limerick is a type of funny POEM. Poems and RHYME are great ways of building your vocabulary (see the glossary). 

This week´s lesson will end with you writing your own limerick in English. Yes, you will be a POET in the language of POETRY!

ORIGINS: 

Limericks appeared in England in the early 18th Century. No one knows where they came from, but they are named after a part of Ireland. Perhaps, the Irish were the first to write them. They were usually rude or bawdy. If you want to read some very rude limericks then google them, but here is one tasteless example in very small font.

There once was an old man from Sweden

Who walked through the garden of Eden

He took off his clothes

And showed off his toes

That salacious old man from Sweden

Limericks became a publishing phenomenon in the 19th Century with Edward Lear´s nonsense poetry. Unlike the earlier bawdy examples, Lear´s limericks are humorous without being shocking. Here´s another one of his.

There once was an old person of Chili, 

Whose conduct was painful and silly,

He sate on the stairs, 

Eating apples and pears, 

That imprudent old person of Chili. 

So far you might have noticed the first lines of a limerick are very easy to emulate... ´There was or once was a person, man woman from somewhere...´ 

EDWARD LEAR:

Edward Lear was born in 1812 in Middlesex, England. Strange as it might seem, though he was one of 21 brothers and sisters, yet he suffered loneliness all his life. Despite lifelong health problems he travelled the world and, as a great painter of birds, was employed by Queen Victoria to teach her to paint. She was an enthusiastic student if not a very capable one. This is one of Lear´s paintings: 

It´s obviously a flamingo. Incredible use of colour, look at the detail in the eye and sense of movement. This, however,  is one of Queen Victoria´s later paintings:

No one knows what it is. But it´s called My Dream. 

Edward Lear was a man who wished to hop down the halls of palaces and amuse the very sensible company he kept.When Edward Lear died in 1888, not one of his friends attended his funeral. They were all busy. Sad as this was, his poems and his drawings attract new fans even now and have had, like Lewis Carroll´s Alice in Wonderland, a huge influence on shaping the English sense of humour. In fact,  his limericks are as funny today as the comedy tv of his successors.  You can check out his poems here: http://www.bencourtney.com/ebooks/lear/index1.html

Lear´s successor Vic Reeves with Bob Mortimer on Shooting Stars a nonsensical programme

FORM:

Let´s look at the FORM of the limerick: ´There was an Old Man with a nose´ by Edward Lear. 

How many LINES does it have? What are the words that RHYME? What is the RHYMING PATTERN? How many SYLLABLES does it have on each line? Which lines are the longest and which are the shortest? 

Cyrano de Bergerac - a Nose. 

The limerick has 5 lines. The rhymes are : Nose with Suppose and Nose (again!), and Long with Wrong. So the  rhyming pattern is AABBA. 

A - There was an Old Man with a NOSE, A - Who said, 'If you choose to SUPPOSE, B - That my nose is too LONG, B - You are certainly WRONG!' A - That remarkable Man with a NOSE.

The A lines have 8 syllables per line (except for the last which has 9). But generally they are 8 syllables long. 

The B lines have 6 syllables and generally they always do too. 

syllables A - Who-said,-´if -you-choose-to-sup-pose´ = 8  

syllables B - You-are-cer-tain-ly-wrong = 6

ASSIGNMENT:

1) Write your own limerick! Remember 5 lines;  AABBA;  8,8,6,6,8

Begin ´There once was an a man from Brazil...

or however you like! 

2) Commit to memory a few limericks with new or difficult words!

Here is one of mine about a famous Brazilian. Can you guess who it is?

There once was a singer from Rio 

Whose hair was shaved down to zero.

How did this king of pop

Go to the world cup

And score a wonderful free kick?

Okay, I cheated at the end. 

GLOSSARY:

to suppose - supor

remarkable - notavel 

rhyme - rima

rhyming pattern - rima estampa

form - forma

line - linha  

syllables - silabas

bawdy - obsceno

toes - dedos do pé

silly - bobo

sate - to sit (antigo) sentar
though - embora
yet - ainda
despite - apesar de

loneliness - solidão

lifelong - vitalício 

enthusiastic - entusiasta

capable - capaz

to hop - pular com um pé só 

the King of Pop, Roberto Carlos 

Apocalypse Chaffinch - An RPG for English Learners

APOCALYPSE CHAFFINCH 

ROLE PLAYING GAME

How to Play:

Hi there, in this lesson you will have an adventure while practicing your English. This game is best played in pairs of with a group of fellow English learners. It can be played with an imaginary friend but you must talk aloud to yourself. I haven´t included a glossary this time, so bring your dictionaries on this adventure.

After each part of the story there is a TASK. Each task is marked I for INDIVIDUAL or  G for GROUP. In the individual tasks you will have a chance to compete against your partner or do something that the group will discuss later. Group tasks are usually discussions. Just follow the instructions and have fun!

LEVEL- to INTERMEDIATE and BEYOND

STORY: It all begins in London Zoo on a strangely quiet day. You and your friends are visiting the Nocturnal Exhibit. You see the bats and big-eyed monkeys.  They seem agitated. ´That´s strange,´ you think. ´It´s almost as if they sense something bad is going to happen.´ You stop banging on their glass cage with your fist. Then you feel the earth shake and a moment later you hear a massive explosion. What´s going on?

Suddenly, the Great Doctor Dolittle bursts through the door to the Nocturnal Exhibit. ´Come with me quickly´ he says ´the world  has ended´. 

Many miles away a huge asteroid has crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. A tsunami the height of 12 skyscrapers is heading your way. There´s very little time left. You follow the Doctor to his secret ARK - A submarine powered by animal faeces hidden under London Zoo. ´This is where your charitable donations have gone!´ He says before explaining that you must save as many animals as possible before the floods come.

TASK (I.)  NOAH´S RACE

You have 3 minutes to write a list of all the animals you can think of! You can only write their English names. Go!

When your time is up, compare your list of animals with the rest of your group. Who got the most animals? Who got the animal with the longest name? Well done, everyone, these are the animals you´ve saved!

STORY: The world has been completely covered by water. You and your fellow survivors are afloat on your yellow boat, looking at the blue horizon, and you suddenly realise that you need to build a whole new world together. What a great opportunity to do away with the worst aspects of the previous 10´000 years of human civilisation. 

TASK: (G) A NEW SOCIETY

Discuss the following. One student should play the secretary and take notes. 

Which 3 professions will you definitely have in your new society and why?

Which 3 professions won´t you have in your new society and why? (those Professionals will be forced to walk a plank into shark infested waters)

What will be the 10 New Commandments of your civilisation? e.g. thou shalt not worship false prophets (in old English) or you must do your homework (in modern English). Try to make sentences using the modal verbs MUST and SHOULD, as well as HAVE TO, NEED TO and CAN´T. 

STORY: Congratulations! Your new society is thriving. Despite the claustrophobic living conditions of a Submarine, everyone appears to be getting on. There´s even a new generation being born - a race of gilled and stunted albinos. Sociopaths and outsiders are easily dealt with. A splash in the ocean and the submarine is back on it´s way, searching for dry land and a way off this fucking boat. 

A group of you have gone updeck to do some fishing when suddenly you see a strange and worrying sight!
Floating in a bath tub is Justin Bieber and a Chimpanzee. 

TASK (G) THE FLOATING ENIGMA

Part 1) Make DEDUCTIONS as a group answering the following questions:
How have they survived this long? Think about the tsunami disaster as well as food, morale, exposure to the elements, dangers of the deep, etc. 
Why is a monkey with Justin Bieber in a bathtub?
Why does Bieber still look the same after 30 years at sea?
Use the MODALS: Could(n´t) have and Must(n´t) have. 

Part 2) Oh no! There´s only room for one of the survivors on the submarine! 
Together decide who should be saved: Bieber or the Chimpanzee and give your reasons.

STORY: Before you could give the winner the good news, the Chimpanzee decided for you and broke Bieber´s neck, casting him into the sea. You welcome the Chimpanzee on board and sail on your merry way. 

Three weeks later in shallow waters the submarine is hit by a huge storm. For days and nights, there is only rain, wind, thunder and lightning. Everyone is seasick and the stink of vomit is unbearable. All the animals have diarrhea too. ´Bieber has cursed us´, the old people say. 

One night, a terrible discovery is made. A sad wailing is heard from one of the animal cages. It´s Rhino the Rhinocerous! He´s been dressed up as a girl and has been made to wear roller skates and listen to old Bieber records. Good God, there´s a crazy person on the boat!

But who could it be?

TASK (I) PSYCHO  TEST

Part 1) Everyone is a suspect! Find out who is crazy by performing this psychological test. Individually, draw a picture including the following items: 

house, 
cloud, 
sun,
path, 
tree, 
bush or bushes,
snake

You have 3 minutes! Go!

Part 2) Psychologically analyse the pictures of your fellow shipmates using the key in the ANSWERS section at the top of the Blog. Decide who is crazy and should be made to walk the plank!

STORY: The nightmare has ended. Just as you declared one of your shipmates crazy, the true culprit appeared. It was Justin Bieber. No one knows how but he´d  managed to get onto the submarine and had been torturing the animals with his music. Throwing him overboard, the clouds part and under clear blue skies you see - DRY LAND!

Oh, how wonderful! You cheer and jump and dance for joy. And look, there´s a little bird coming towards you, carrying what appears to be an olive branch! ´It´s the dove of our lord God,´ someone cries. ´Carrying the olive branch of peace!´

But oh my god, it´s getting closer. 

It´s not a little bird but a giant radioactive fire-breathing Chaffinch! And it´s carrying a telegraph pole. What does it want?

´What do you want with us, you Monster?´ You ask the giant radioactive Chaffinch. ´I just want,´ he replies. ´to talk!´ He has developed a huge brain from absorbing all the nuclear waste of the asteroid crash and he misses good conversation. `Talk to me and if I´m not bored, I won´t eat you!´

TASK: (G) JUST 2 MINUTES

Each person writes a subject on a scrap of paper, folds the paper and puts it into a hat. If you can´t think of a subject, take turns choosing one of the following: My last holiday, My best friend, My favourite film, book, band, My hobby, My country, city, family., etc.

Each person draws a scap of paper and has 2 minutes to talk about it. Easy, except they´re not allowed to repeat, hesitate or deviate. If you do, the Chaffinch will have you for his supper. 

STORY: The Chaffinch is impressed. He has decided to eat all the Ark´s animals and to keep you humans to be his pets. You will live on the island together and spend your lives serving the Chaffinch and his mad whims. Today, he is going to ask you to dance the conga for 10 hours, tomorrow who knows?

THE END?

Business English: How to handle Redundancy

So you think you´re an A1 Hot Shot Top Drawer High Flyer? And perhaps you are pretty special but do I think you can improve? Damn straight, fella. This is Business English for Professionals only. 

Lesson 1 - How to Handle Redundancy. 

Level: Upper Intermediate/ Advanced

I shouldn´t have called my boss´s wife a c***

So you ´ve just been laid off. Bummer, right? On a Scale of 1 to 10 you´re currently hitting a number 10 in feeling low down. You´re probably sitting in a parked car thinking that bridge looks real tempting. You´re thinking about how you´re going to tell your wife and kids that Christmas has been cancelled for this year and the next. That their chief provider has hit the bricks. That their house will be repossessed and their barbie dolls carted away by the bailiffs. 

Yeah, I know fella, it´s tough to fall off the career ladder, even tougher when you´ve been given a push. But sooner or later you´re going to have to face up to your redundancy and take a stand. Now, do you allow yourself one more day of potato crisps and daytime tv? One more day of whining and self-pity?  Or do you step up right now, get psyched and go out into the real world and hit the big time again? That´s what I thought, so man up my friend and follow these steps. 

the buck stops here, fella

1)First of all, why were you fired? What, it wasn´t personal? You´d done nothing wrong? You were just a number? Collatoral damage? They were making cuts, it was a tough break, a bad fish supper and you got the runs. You took one for the team? I don´t believe you. Why not some other sap? Because you deserved it. You were let go because you could be let go. They wouldn´t miss you. That´s the bottom line. I´m not going to pussy foot around it. You are a big failure. Now admit it and let´s move on to step two. 

2) Second step, how to make it so that you don´t get sacked in the future, again, like you just did. Okay, forget you were fired. I don´t care how many years you put into that company. It´s now the past. It´s in the trash just like you are. I don´t care if you started that company from scratch, to become the new facebook or apple, only to be jostled out by mercenary business partners and hostile takeovers. I don´t care and neither should you. That´s the Old You people could walk over. This is the New You, strong like tank, ready to rumble over anything that gets in its way. 

the long road back to S.U.C.C.E.S.S starts here

This is You Mach 3, enhanced performance, streamline design, precision and smooth as a baby´s arse. The New You has a new CV made of fireproof paper and on that CV, lined with asbestos, are all the new skills you haven´t acquired yet. Write that CV now, write at least 3 skills you haven´t acquired yet. Perhaps they are: Science, F1 racing, and Calligraphy. Suddenly your CV seems more like a license to print money than a CV. Now all you have to do is acquire those skills. Easy money.

Get your motors running

3)Third step, economise wisely. There´s no beating around the bush, you´re flat broke and every penny or cent or rupee is going to count from now on. But while prudence is absolutely fucking necessary, you cannot let your image pay the price. Projecting a corporate image is your A - Number 1 priority right now. You have to sell the car, don´t get a cheap junkyard piece of crap car - buy a Segway! 

Send your children to Brat Camp or Fat Camp or Boot Camp, and buy yourself a nice smart suit, pin-striped, initialised cufflinks, shoulder pads wider than a row of linebackers. Forget cheap package holidays and couch surfing Europe, for a fraction of the price buy Photoshop and make your dream holidays a reality to the social networking world. Many employers now use facebook as a way of monitoring their future and current employees. Don´t write current status - unemployed and despairing, write - feeling hungry, making things happen.  Don´t go OTT, a champagne breakfast on the Italian Riviera is believable but kite surfing with the pope is not. Photoshop a new wife and children, preferably targeting every demographic. 

What´s never out of fashion and always look expensive? Brogues

4) So let´s say you´ve rebranded yourself and the boys in R&D are impressed enough to let you take the New You out for a spin. Send your CV and a covering letter to every big multi-conglomerate you can think of. Aim high. Dear Apple, I apply for the position of Steve Jobs. Dear Nokia, as a mobile phone user I think I´ve got what it takes. Dear Wall Street, let´s make things happen. Selective and careful stalking of top management and CEOs is perfectly legitimate. Corporations are not above committing espionage, neither are you. Join their tennis and polo clubs. Rub elbows at their local pubs and restaurants. Go carol singing on their front doorsteps. If you get caught, you showed initiative, you could be what they´re looking for!

Looking sharp

5) So you´ve got a call for an interview. Apply Just for Men hair dye. Bathe in tepid milk for 3hours with a cucumber eye mask. Perfume yourself with lavender and rose. Shave. Apply old spice. Polish your briefcase and fill with a wad of paper. Dress appropiately. Your I-pad in your breast pocket plain to see. Arrive regally by limousine or horse drawn chariot, six hours early. Apply pocket mint. Forget you ever got made redundant. Forget you ever weren´t good enough. Remember to mimic body language and let your cufflinks do the talking. It´s up to you now. Don´t let us all down. Again. Like you just did. 

The Secret of My Success - rent it now on home video

Glossary:
synonyms for being fired/ ser demetido - to get laid off, to be fired, to get the sack or get sacked, to be made redundant, to be let go
to take one for the team - tomar um para a equipe, like taking a bullet for the President
to rebrand
to show initiative - mostrar iniciativa 
to rub elbows - to fraternise and network 
CV - resume/ curriculum vitae
R&D - research and development
pin-striped - style of suit / risca de giz
cufflinks - abotoaduras
shoulderpads - ombreiras
linebackers - American football players
to start from scratch - começar a partir do zero
to pussyfoot around something - not being direct
to beat around the bush - hesitating, not giving the facts
a sap - um fraco 
to man up - ser um homem 
to step up - intensificar
to get psyched - se empolgar

ASSIGNMENT: 

Write a covering letter. This is the letter that you´ll attach your CV to. It explains a bit about yourself, your work experience and skillset, why you´re suitable for the job and your availability. Choose one of the following job vacancies:
- Queen of England
- President of the United States of America
- King of Gondor
- CEO of Time Warner or Petrobras or Shell or any huge conglomerate, the Body Shop, etc. 
Now post the covering letter to yourself and reply to yourself. Did you get the job? You did. That´s wonderful. Now you have the confidence to apply for that vacancy at the local supermarket.