Business English: How to handle Redundancy

So you think you´re an A1 Hot Shot Top Drawer High Flyer? And perhaps you are pretty special but do I think you can improve? Damn straight, fella. This is Business English for Professionals only. 

Lesson 1 - How to Handle Redundancy. 

Level: Upper Intermediate/ Advanced

I shouldn´t have called my boss´s wife a c***

So you ´ve just been laid off. Bummer, right? On a Scale of 1 to 10 you´re currently hitting a number 10 in feeling low down. You´re probably sitting in a parked car thinking that bridge looks real tempting. You´re thinking about how you´re going to tell your wife and kids that Christmas has been cancelled for this year and the next. That their chief provider has hit the bricks. That their house will be repossessed and their barbie dolls carted away by the bailiffs. 

Yeah, I know fella, it´s tough to fall off the career ladder, even tougher when you´ve been given a push. But sooner or later you´re going to have to face up to your redundancy and take a stand. Now, do you allow yourself one more day of potato crisps and daytime tv? One more day of whining and self-pity?  Or do you step up right now, get psyched and go out into the real world and hit the big time again? That´s what I thought, so man up my friend and follow these steps. 

the buck stops here, fella

1)First of all, why were you fired? What, it wasn´t personal? You´d done nothing wrong? You were just a number? Collatoral damage? They were making cuts, it was a tough break, a bad fish supper and you got the runs. You took one for the team? I don´t believe you. Why not some other sap? Because you deserved it. You were let go because you could be let go. They wouldn´t miss you. That´s the bottom line. I´m not going to pussy foot around it. You are a big failure. Now admit it and let´s move on to step two. 

2) Second step, how to make it so that you don´t get sacked in the future, again, like you just did. Okay, forget you were fired. I don´t care how many years you put into that company. It´s now the past. It´s in the trash just like you are. I don´t care if you started that company from scratch, to become the new facebook or apple, only to be jostled out by mercenary business partners and hostile takeovers. I don´t care and neither should you. That´s the Old You people could walk over. This is the New You, strong like tank, ready to rumble over anything that gets in its way. 

the long road back to S.U.C.C.E.S.S starts here

This is You Mach 3, enhanced performance, streamline design, precision and smooth as a baby´s arse. The New You has a new CV made of fireproof paper and on that CV, lined with asbestos, are all the new skills you haven´t acquired yet. Write that CV now, write at least 3 skills you haven´t acquired yet. Perhaps they are: Science, F1 racing, and Calligraphy. Suddenly your CV seems more like a license to print money than a CV. Now all you have to do is acquire those skills. Easy money.

Get your motors running

3)Third step, economise wisely. There´s no beating around the bush, you´re flat broke and every penny or cent or rupee is going to count from now on. But while prudence is absolutely fucking necessary, you cannot let your image pay the price. Projecting a corporate image is your A - Number 1 priority right now. You have to sell the car, don´t get a cheap junkyard piece of crap car - buy a Segway! 

Send your children to Brat Camp or Fat Camp or Boot Camp, and buy yourself a nice smart suit, pin-striped, initialised cufflinks, shoulder pads wider than a row of linebackers. Forget cheap package holidays and couch surfing Europe, for a fraction of the price buy Photoshop and make your dream holidays a reality to the social networking world. Many employers now use facebook as a way of monitoring their future and current employees. Don´t write current status - unemployed and despairing, write - feeling hungry, making things happen.  Don´t go OTT, a champagne breakfast on the Italian Riviera is believable but kite surfing with the pope is not. Photoshop a new wife and children, preferably targeting every demographic. 

What´s never out of fashion and always look expensive? Brogues

4) So let´s say you´ve rebranded yourself and the boys in R&D are impressed enough to let you take the New You out for a spin. Send your CV and a covering letter to every big multi-conglomerate you can think of. Aim high. Dear Apple, I apply for the position of Steve Jobs. Dear Nokia, as a mobile phone user I think I´ve got what it takes. Dear Wall Street, let´s make things happen. Selective and careful stalking of top management and CEOs is perfectly legitimate. Corporations are not above committing espionage, neither are you. Join their tennis and polo clubs. Rub elbows at their local pubs and restaurants. Go carol singing on their front doorsteps. If you get caught, you showed initiative, you could be what they´re looking for!

Looking sharp

5) So you´ve got a call for an interview. Apply Just for Men hair dye. Bathe in tepid milk for 3hours with a cucumber eye mask. Perfume yourself with lavender and rose. Shave. Apply old spice. Polish your briefcase and fill with a wad of paper. Dress appropiately. Your I-pad in your breast pocket plain to see. Arrive regally by limousine or horse drawn chariot, six hours early. Apply pocket mint. Forget you ever got made redundant. Forget you ever weren´t good enough. Remember to mimic body language and let your cufflinks do the talking. It´s up to you now. Don´t let us all down. Again. Like you just did. 

The Secret of My Success - rent it now on home video

Glossary:
synonyms for being fired/ ser demetido - to get laid off, to be fired, to get the sack or get sacked, to be made redundant, to be let go
to take one for the team - tomar um para a equipe, like taking a bullet for the President
to rebrand
to show initiative - mostrar iniciativa 
to rub elbows - to fraternise and network 
CV - resume/ curriculum vitae
R&D - research and development
pin-striped - style of suit / risca de giz
cufflinks - abotoaduras
shoulderpads - ombreiras
linebackers - American football players
to start from scratch - começar a partir do zero
to pussyfoot around something - not being direct
to beat around the bush - hesitating, not giving the facts
a sap - um fraco 
to man up - ser um homem 
to step up - intensificar
to get psyched - se empolgar

ASSIGNMENT: 

Write a covering letter. This is the letter that you´ll attach your CV to. It explains a bit about yourself, your work experience and skillset, why you´re suitable for the job and your availability. Choose one of the following job vacancies:
- Queen of England
- President of the United States of America
- King of Gondor
- CEO of Time Warner or Petrobras or Shell or any huge conglomerate, the Body Shop, etc. 
Now post the covering letter to yourself and reply to yourself. Did you get the job? You did. That´s wonderful. Now you have the confidence to apply for that vacancy at the local supermarket.